'Rithmetic

            Mariella decided that she wanted to count to two thousand. That day in school she had learned to count up to 100, and she felt that now her grasp on the number scale was strong enough for her to attempt a personal endeavour outside of school. Mariella had always enjoyed taking her education into her own hands when she found her regular lessons to be below her personal standards for academic achievement: for example, after her first day of kindergarten, Mariella rushed home to tell her mother all about her lessons, crafts, and how nicely the letters seemed to flow in alphabetical order. She demanded to see a dictionary, and while she was still unable to read words longer than two letters, she explained that by bedtime, she could easily have half the alphabet memorized. At the dinner table, Mariella was able to recite the entire alphabet up to W without the aid of the catchy jingle.

Strong Organization Skills a Must

            “I would like to raise a toast to Phil and Karen Everett, without whom any of tonight’s huge success would have been possible!” The fundraiser committee clapped enthusiastically as Karen and Phil raised their champagne flutes, eyes glistening tastefully as a sign of humility. The remainder of the charity organization clapped politely, eyes rolling at the dramatic display.

            “Really,” Clarence Peathorn mumbled in a hushed tone to his tablemates, “do they have to act so tacky? We all know how much time they spent planning this event, assuming they worked at least have as hard as they complained about how much they had to put together!” Clarence was bitter about not being re-elected to the fundraising committee for the current term, but his neighbours agreed wholeheartedly. The Everett’s had decided to head the charity ball a year prior in a clever move that allowed them to bypass the electoral process: as event coordinators, they would remain in their position until the next election after the termination of the event. Clarence had used a similar tactic two years ago, but the sudden power outage during his charity singles’ mixer left his leadership skills vulnerable to attack from the Everett couple. He knew they wanted his seat as chair of the committee, but was helpless to the overwhelming campaign they ran, using “a fresh approach” as their main image. Clarence was deemed a stagnant head of the committee, and received the boot in a near-unanimous vote.

The Oldest Profession

            Colin stepped out of the shower, and smiled at the fogged up mirror in front of him. Fog meant that Colin didn’t have to face himself for another day. Fog meant that Colin could have a slice of pizza that night and not feel like a disgusting pig. Fog meant that every bump and curve in the reflection could be blamed on a distorted view; this was not the real thing. He went to his room, put on his nicest suit, grabbed a briefcase that contained his lunch and a copy of a fag rag he had picked up last week, and headed out the door. Colin enjoyed carrying his personal items in a briefcase; he relished in tricking the world into thinking he was a respectable, upstanding citizen. Living in a large city meant putting appearances first, as 90% of Colin’s regular interactions with other people lasted fewer than two seconds. Appearances were easy,

The "y" is Silent

            Once upon a time, there was a boy named Kelly. Kelly did not choose his name, and for the first several years of his life, Kelly spent his nights lying in bed wondering what it would be like if only was Jack or Fred instead. When anyone laughed at his unorthodox nomenclature, Kelly filled with deep shame and resentment. Unfortunately, Kelly had no outlet to direct his sorrow and rage, no place to throw the blame: his parents died the night he was born in a tragic maternity ward shooting, and Kelly was left with only a birth certificate to his name and the blanket wrapped around him. Partly out of pity, but mostly because he was a blue-eyed, white baby, a loving family of normal-named people quickly adopted him. Ted and Sue Plain had difficulty conceiving, and already endured one painful miscarriage too many, so when they met the boy with the girly name, they knew they were in the presence of a kindred spirit.

Paint Shit, Make Money

            Red is the best flavour of candy I can think of. Cherry tastes like medicine, strawberry and raspberry taste like each other, but red flavour tastes like everything red ought to taste like. Red candy is like purple drink: it doesn’t have a real worlds fruit correlate; it just tastes fucking delicious. Unless it turns out to be cinnamon, the flavour of a red candy neither shocks nor disappoints you. It’s like buying a lottery ticket you know will win you triple the price of the original ticket.

            Why, then, is it so difficult to find a two-bedroom apartment in the West End for less than an arm and a leg? After hours of scouring newspapers, online listings, and three real estate offices, I have found nothing I would consider livable for any less than $2,500 a month. A month! Drive a few hours east to Chiliwack, and you can find a three-bedroom house and pay $2,500 for four months’ rent. I am appalled at the availability of affordable housing in this city, and frankly, I’ve had enough. I don’t want to be sold a “real fruit juice, not from concentrate, additive free” cherry-flavoured apartment. I want a red one! However, I should add that while red candies don’t do wonders for your teeth, at least they aren’t infested by rodents and surrounded by homeless people and young vagrants who enjoy having spitting contests to see who can land a loogie inside someone’s window. I came to this city to make a living for myself, maybe raise a family, but several forces at work are currently keeping me far away from this dream.

Scandal and Controversy

            “Jordan Smith was born on October fifth, after his mother spent a considerable, but unremarkable amount of time in labour. He grew up in a suburb of a major city, and attended a well-ranked elementary, middle, and high school. He wasn’t the most popular boy on the playground, but he had several close friends with whom he could spend lengths of time sharing activities and stories about what life is really like when you grow up. He participated in team sports, but never settled on one favorite, and dabbled in the arts, but never found himself particularly talented. He was accepted into an internationally recognized post-secondary institution, where he majored in History. He considered switching into Psychology, but decided against it, and settled on a minor in that concentration instead.

Breakin' Those Barriers

            Today, I think I need to break the fourth wall, and really level with you. For the past seven days, I’ve poured whatever my heart and soul could give into this video blog, and now I need something from you in return, my dear vlog-watching community. It isn’t much, but lately, I’ve been feeling disrespected by you all. Day and night, I toil for my art, but all you do is hate on me. You’ve called me every offensive name I’ve ever heard, and I learned a few new ones as well. And I am sick of it. From here on out, Jonny boy is in charge. I control the content of my videos, and if you don’t like them, then you don’t have to look. Go watch a makeup tutorial, or cats doing funny things in people’s clothes instead! Either way, you can take your negative energy, and keep it far away from me.