House at Sea

            Due to their incredibly patient natures, houses do not get lonely the way people do, even when left empty for long periods of time. When they live in a city or a neighbourhood with other houses, they always have plenty of company, and when they are on their own, they have plenty of scenery to take in. City houses and country houses do not disagree about who has got the best lifestyle, because they have never met to ponder their differences. Fancy houses do not look down on shacks, because for all they know, the world outside their shiny black gates looks just like what they see around. The one thing that can make a house sad is when it is torn down. They understand it is nothing personal; the owners do not hate them, they just want something fancier, or more minimalist. Regardless, being replaced on the site of their own grave is a hard truth many houses must come to accept, otherwise they start leaking, and have to deal with more plumbers than they care to.

Only Desserts

            She never could control her sweet tooth. When she was young, she would always give her mother’s sleeve an extra hard tug as they passed the patisseries of Paris. It’s not that she was especially weak when it came to baked goods, but the way the gateaus looked like a forest out of Candy Land always mesmerized Joanna. Even after her family moved back to the states, Joanna loved walking by bakeries, and smelling whatever had just been pulled out of the oven. As she grew up, she tried her own hand at baking, but was a complete failure. She followed recipes to the letter, yet for some reason her cookies burned, her soufflés fell, and her pudding curdled. By the time she finished school, Joanna had managed to ruin every recipe in her mother’s cookbook. Somewhere along the way, though, she found her true calling: event planning.

Decision Day

            Today is decision day. Everyone’s been up in arms over these ridiculous elections for the past month, and now that they’re finally here, everyone’s gone all diplomatic. Bullshit! No one wanted to be friends back when the platforms were submitted, so why are people suddenly wishing me “best of luck”? What does that expression even mean? Is the worst of luck bad luck, or just no good luck? And now everyone expects me to reciprocate and be nice in return. As. If. I spent hours working on those posters and campaign fliers, and the position of student body present belongs rightfully to me. I suppose I should discuss why my fellow candidates for this prestigious position don’t come close to holding the great honour and responsibility of being North Valley High’s Student Body President for the 2011-2012 Academic Year, and what makes me, Richard Pratt, the obvious choice to lead this school to victory, in the classroom and on the sports field.

Gazelle's Den

“Ladies and gentleman! Boys and girls! I present to you-“

“Are you a ringleader for the Barnum and Bailey Circus?”

“What? No! Let me get my opening speech out.”

“Why? You aren’t even talking to anyone? I’m sitting behind you.”

“I’m practicing.”

“Fine. Carry on then.”

“Thank you. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! I know you’ve seen many strange things in this world, but I guarantee tonight will be an eye-opening-“

“How do you know what I have and haven’t seen in this world?”

“I’m not talking to you.”

“Well I’m calling you out on your circus act! Why does it need such a fancy beginning?”

“It doesn’t. And it isn’t a circus act, it’s my presentation of the Loch Ness monster to the world, and I’m going for a certain impact. Can I continue?”

“…”

Let's Begin

            How do introductions sound? I’ve never much cared for them myself. I’ve always preferred jumping straight into the good stuff. “So, how do you know Andrew? I’ve slept with him a few times, have you? I think he’s terrible in bed, but he’s a sweet boy, and he means well. Don’t you agree?” I have never slept with a man named Andrew, but if I did know an Andrew that would conceivably sleep with me, this is how I would choose to open a conversation with a friend of his. Rather than facing a potentially uncomfortable moment spent figuring out what chit-chatty question to ask next, I prefer to take the offense. Keep the other on their toes. I always feel better when I’m in control of the dialogue, because I have trust issues. I’ll be frank; I may as well, if we plan on spending the next thirty days together.