“Are you a ringleader for the Barnum and Bailey Circus?”
“What? No! Let me get my opening speech out.”
“Why? You aren’t even talking to anyone? I’m sitting behind you.”
“I’m practicing.”
“Fine. Carry on then.”
“Thank you. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls! I know you’ve seen many strange things in this world, but I guarantee tonight will be an eye-opening-“
“How do you know what I have and haven’t seen in this world?”
“I’m not talking to you.”
“Well I’m calling you out on your circus act! Why does it need such a fancy beginning?”
“It doesn’t. And it isn’t a circus act, it’s my presentation of the Loch Ness monster to the world, and I’m going for a certain impact. Can I continue?”
“Well?”
“Hey, Angie?”
“Yes?”
“Yes?”
“Your fly is down.”
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My best friend and I have only known each other for a few years, but I think we’re pretty close. Our birthdays are only a month apart, and we went to the same school until this year. A month ago, she moved to Atlanta, and I’m stuck here in Lansing. Before she left, we decided to give each other code names – names we could use to talk about each other without the world knowing. It’s kind of like our last secret. Hers is Gazelle, and mine is Lion. I don’t want to eat her or anything! It’s just that she’s always been the more graceful, zig-zagging one, and my hair gets really shaggy when I roar, but all I really want to do is take cat naps. The first time we met, I was eating a box of Gobstoppers in the park. Gazelle took one look at my candy, snuck right over to me like a quiet gazelle, and stole the rest of my Gobstoppers without me even noticing! I only had my back turned for a second, too! The first name I suggested for her was Fox, but Gazelle hates gingers, so I took that one back pretty fast.
I think she really likes the name Gazelle, but I can’t figure out why. She’s always been the more aggressive of the two of us, and definitely always played the leader when we hung out with our friends. I remember she always used to insist we all listen to her speeches that she would spend hours preparing. The funny part was that she would never face us when she gave her speeches; she felt too self-conscious to look us in the eye. I didn’t mind, though! I got to look at her hair when she talked. That was my favourite part: the way it rippled when she bobbed her head to make a really strong point. I guess maybe that’s why she wanted to be a gazelle: because she could ripple back and forth as nicely as a gazelle does when it runs away from a lion.
School starts next week, and I don’t know where to eat lunch on my first day. Usually Gazelle and I try to run out of class and pick a good seat before all the new kids fill them up. I swear youngsters nowadays don’t know respect. Back when I was their age, the lunchroom was a dangerous place, and I knew my place was on the sidelines. But I’ve fought hard for this spot, and now I deserve to have someone familiar to eat my lunch with. I might ask Kecleon if he wants to sit with me, but I don’t know how much he likes me anymore now that he found out we gave him a nickname without his permission…
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“You’re an asshole, Tyler. Three years of no letters, no e-mails, no Facebook messages, and now you want to start talking to me again?”
“I didn’t think it was too late. We’re still best friends.”
“How old are you? You’re acting like I never even moved away. We aren’t kids anymore: I’ve grown up, I’ve changed, and I don’t think you’ve done the same. You’re still as vulnerable as when you gave me that nickname.”
“I’m sorry, Angie. I know I’ve been acting like a complete jerk, but I didn’t know what to say. I’ve always cared about you! You know that. I’m only vulnerable because I’m trying to show you how much I want to work this out with you.”
“I cared about you too, but three years is a long time to feel close to someone that won’t respond to you. I bet you almost called me Gazelle, too. As if that name means anything anymore. What kind of lion ignores a gazelle that jumps right in front of him?”
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I think the most significant years of my life have been the ones adjusting to new homes. My dad worked in the air force, and it’s been amazing to see the entire country the way I have. I’ve lived in five states, and at least a dozen cities, but the biggest for me was when I moved to Marietta, Georgia. Before there I had lived in Michigan, and it was a hellhole among hellholes. The only saving grace was my friend Tyler. Shitty air, humid weather, and living miles out of the nearest interesting city made us creative in our event planning. I don’t think we every played in the regular sense of the word – Tyson was never spontaneous enough to come up with an idea on the spot, and I liked knowing what I was doing. We didn’t shut all the other kids out, but when it was just the two of us spending time together, we really did conquer kingdoms and save princesses from evil wizards. I think it was our coping mechanism.
When I moved down south, my life changed just enough to make me think suicide wasn’t such a bad idea. I used to think about what would have happened if Tyler and I switched places: maybe everything would be a bit better if I was the one to stick it out in Michigan, and Tyler braved the south. But as I got to know my schoolmates a bit better, being gay was still at least two steps above being black. We talked almost every day while I was still with my parents, and even after I jumped ship, his e-mails kept coming to whenever I could afford Internet. Atlanta isn’t too hard of a city to get by in, especially if the old rich men think you’re a pretty girl, but fuck – the jobs were degrading. I never once walked the streets to find a guy, and that’s the last lifeline I’m glad I kept. Sleeping with guys for money felt so much less empty when I realized they were more fucked up than me: I was doing it to make my dreams come true, but they were doing it to stop the nightmares. I never had to worry about getting attached, either. I’ve had steady girlfriends since high school, and I actually have one of them to thank for introducing me to the most lucrative career I’ve had to date. I stopped taking home “clients” from the bar the second I could afford an apartment with a separate kitchen and dining room. As much as I hate to think of the successes in my life as objects, that apartment meant something to me.
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“Puh-lease. You’re telling me babies come from their mommy’s stomach? How do they get out, then?”
“I don’t know. But look at my mom! She’s all big and fat, and she told me that pretty soon I’m going to have a little sister. Maybe they come out of your belly button? Babies are really small when they’re born!”
“I don’t think they’re that small. And how do they get there in the first place?”
“My mom said my dad put it in there. I think when you get married, you get a bunch of baby coins, and it’s like putting it in a gumball machine.”
“That has to be the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Well, do you have a better idea?”
“No, but I still think that’s silly.”
“I think it makes sense. I’m going to ask my mom where she and dad got all their baby coins tonight. I bet they have some lying around the house somewhere.”
---------------------
I think Angie is the greatest girl in the whole world, and when I grow up I’m going to marry her. Then I’m going to ask her how many babies she wants to have, and hopefully we’ll have five. I want to name one Bart because I think he’s the funniest kid on TV. My mom says I can’t get married until I’m a lot older, but I don’t think that matters because I’m really patient. One time I was extra patient. I went to a really fancy building with my mom and dad, and some grown-ups asked me a bunch of questions about what I liked, and how smart I was. Then they asked me if I wanted to have one marshmallow right there, or if I wanted to wait half an hour and get five. Guess what, I waited! They were all super impressed, and said most kids like me take the marshmallow right away. I told them they must not be very smart then, because who needs one marshmallow when you can get five more by waiting?
I don’t know if Angie would’ve waited though. She likes to do lots of things, but waiting means she can’t do anything. I like doing things with Angie, but when I go home I think it’s nice to do nothing, too. When my mom and dad have guests over, they always say I’m the best behaved boy they’ve ever seen, and that makes me happy because they all have really big smiles on their faces. Like the big smiles I make when my parents buy me ice cream. Those are the best days. One time my parents took Angie and me out for ice cream after school. That was the best day ever, but Angie didn’t smile as big as me. I don’t think her parents taught her how to smile big – at least not her dad. He’s the most serious man I’ve ever seen! I told him he should think about smiling more, and he did smile then, but it was a weird smile, and it gave me the shivers. I didn’t want to shiver in front of him, because I think he would’ve made more weird smiles.
Angie said she’s only living in Ann Arbor for a few years, but I don’t think her dad knows how great it is here. I bet if he came on our adventures with us he would see how cool it is, and decide nowhere is better in the world than right here. We have the best park ever, and lots of stores for grown-ups to buy things like furniture and clothes. I think I’ll ask if Angie can live with us when her mom and dad move away. That way we can stay together, and get married like we’re supposed to!
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“I think you’re a great girl, Angie, but I don’t feel like we’re in the same place anymore. You got classy, and I’m still blowing any guy that tips me a fifty.”
“Then move in with me! I’m already making the rent on my own, and I know what you’re going through. It feels like you’ll never get out of the shithole you’re in right now, but you will, and I can be there when you’re on dry ground.”
“I can’t do that to you. Besides, you’re white. I know people stare at us when we walk together, and not just because we’re dykes! You’re making a name for yourself, and you don’t need a nobody like me to keep dragging you down. You’re society now.”
“That’s the worst thing you ever could’ve said to me.”
“You needed to hear it.”
“So I’m my mother now?”
“Ha. No, I said you’re society, not a neurotic gold digger.”
“…”
“Angie?”
“You should leave.”
“You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you.”
“With that attitude, obviously you don’t. You can go now.”
“Can I still come by the restaurant?”
“I don’t turn niggers away.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“At least you got your answer.”
Word count: 2,075
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