Today, I think I need to break the fourth wall, and really level with you. For the past seven days, I’ve poured whatever my heart and soul could give into this video blog, and now I need something from you in return, my dear vlog-watching community. It isn’t much, but lately, I’ve been feeling disrespected by you all. Day and night, I toil for my art, but all you do is hate on me. You’ve called me every offensive name I’ve ever heard, and I learned a few new ones as well. And I am sick of it. From here on out, Jonny boy is in charge. I control the content of my videos, and if you don’t like them, then you don’t have to look. Go watch a makeup tutorial, or cats doing funny things in people’s clothes instead! Either way, you can take your negative energy, and keep it far away from me.
Why am I persisting? You nay-sayers may be wondering why I haven’t just given up altogether, thrown in the towel, and said, “you win! I’ll never shame my face on the Internet again!” But I was raised well. My parents showed me that backing down only means you’ve sacrificed a part of yourself to let someone else exploit your most valuable resources: your mind and body. You’re all trying to abuse the privilege of anonymity with your hateful words, and were we sitting in the same room, I bet you would all applaud me. Each and every one of you would shake my hand, with a tear in your eye, and tell me how inspired you were by my videos. I don’t need your approval, but it would be nice to have at least some recognition for the trouble I go through to research the issues I’ve discussed, rehearse the song and dance numbers I’ve performed, and contact agents to secure interesting interviewees! I don’t want your pity, but could you knock it off?
Look at me, I’ve got my defenses up, and I’m turning this all on you. It’s one of my character flaws, and I’m working on it, but please be patient with me, folks. I started this vlog project as an attempt at self-improvement. I have so many emotions, and I don’t get the chance to express them as often as I’d like in my daily life, so I decided to take to the webcam, and show the world what I felt, and how I felt about it. My first reaction to any sort of conflict is to tense up (physically and emotionally) and either start accusing or apologizing, depending on whether I think I can win the argument. I need to stop thinking of everything as an argument, and I swear I’ll do my best in the future to interpret your criticism as constructive, and not entirely personal. I’ve grown really attached to the personas I’ve shown you over the past week, and seeing them be shot down as “tacky”, “uninspired”, and “pieces of one-dimensional shit” really strikes a chord on my heartstrings. I spent the past month developing the rich divorcee, Ms. Turtledove, and when she was compared to Clue’s Mrs. Peacock two minutes after my video aired, I was devastated. Yes, I did enjoy playing board games as a child, but I never associated with the characters. I think it was mostly because of the way they all ended up being murderers anyway. As whimsical as Professor Plum always seemed at the outset of our mystery adventure, he never could keep that damn lead pipe out of his hands while he was in the billiard room.
I’ll also agree with your responses that my props and sets need work. Keep in mind that this is still a fledging project, and it still needs to get its wings. This is where I always ask you guys for help, and I’ll post the link to my PayPal at the end of this, as usual. I’ve received $7.14 in donations so far, and I’d like to extend a huge thank you to tumpman12 for donating $6.75 of that total. I’ll make sure to buy what you requested, and you can expect the furry surprise in my next video! I have a list of props I’m looking at, and some great costume ideas, so if you want to know where your contribution will be going, check out the other link at the end of this. Every penny counts, and I swear my characters will develop more than Lindsay Lohan did across her career! Sorry, I promised I wouldn’t make celebrity references in any of my videos, but I couldn’t resist. :)
As I alluded to earlier, I have big plans for my next video. I don’t want to give too much away, but I’ve kept your attention for this long, so I think you’ve earned a bit of a preview! Draculo returns, even though his last appearance suggested he was caught in the daylight, and Frank the jock had destroyed him once and for all. Badly sunburned but otherwise unharmed, Draculo is going to return to city hall, with a new target: he wants the mayor! I won’t tell you who else is going to show up to try and save the day, and who gets the final solo, but you can bet that you’ll be ROFLing by the end of it! I want to explore the comedy genre more with this upcoming piece, and I think some macabre humour is just the way to do it! I’ve had enough sunshine and rainbows; I think all your overwhelming reactions are calling for me to get edgier. I want to get to break past the surface-level humour, and go for the really meaty comedy. My bimbos and bros video yesterday started to break out of the blue collar zone; I don’t want to be written off as another Larry the Cable Guy (ugh, sorry for the celebrity name slip! I promise I’ll keep it in check. Trust me, if I wasn’t trying this hard, I would have already mentioned about a dozen more pop culture references). I’ve had the chance to hear from you guys, and I think your words are really blessings in disguise! You’re all pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I think that this really is the next logical step in my creative process. I’ve done what’s easy, and now it’s time for this ugly duckling to start moulting into a beautiful swan.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that you guys really do care about me! Your comments are harmful on the surface, but now that I’ve gotten to know you all a bit better, I understand that you’re just like a concerned parent. I’m on the right track, but I need a push in the right direction, and you all are here to give me that well-needed shove. My characters hold a lot of promise, I know you can tell that, they just need to be developed more. Two more Draculo sketches, and he’ll be perfect. All he really needs is a proper victim to give him the confidence he needs to woo Dracula, and save the night from the OverLights. I want the elements of sci-fi in there, because they’re the most important part of showing my diversity. I can reach all kinds of audiences with my vlog, not that I don’t value you – my original followers – the most. If it weren’t for all your helpful words, I’d still be rambling out tired show tunes like I did in posts one and two. Barbra, as much as I have fond nostalgic memories for her, is a thing of my past, and is only going to keep me back. In a few short days I’ve shed my shell, broken out, and questioned the very moral fabric of out society. I’m pushing norms left, right, and centre, and my avant-garde jokes are on the brink of finding their real audience.
Of course, I can’t forget the little people. My parents have graciously let me use their video camera to record; my darling sister has acted as my stunt double on several occasions; and the entire production crew (made of my stuffed animals and me) has lost so many nights of sleep, all in the name of providing you, the critics, with only the finest vlogs the Internet has seen in recent times. I’ve hit viral status, a stellar achievement for a vlogger this young, I know; but I foresee my status as a web icon as much closer than I originally planned. Having comments posted on my video almost instantly means that you must all be glued to your seats, waiting for me to make my next move! I’m flattered, but I think it’s high time you guys accepted that your plots won’t be as good as mine. I know you’re jealous that you don’t possess my natural acting talent and video editing abilities, but please, if you having something disrespectful to type, send it to the people that give a damn about what you have to say. Or better yet, before you make a post that’s intentionally set to sabotage a young star’s blossoming career, think about how much you’re only hurting yourself. When others see your pathetic attempts at witty comments, they can view your channel. And when they do, they’ll see that you’re nothing but a two-bit hack, clinging desperately to my coattails.
No more will I pick up your slack. The other Internet celebrities are starting to notice me, and it won’t be long before I’m inducted into their ranks, and proclaimed head of all that is online culture. I try to keep my edge over my competition by provoking deep, thoughtful symbolism, while keeping it lighthearted and accessible. You consumers of my culture are pretty easy to cater to, no offense, so I don’t think I should waste as much time as I already do trying to seek your unconditional approval. Obviously, you wish you could be my best friend, but I keep my personal and professional life very separate. The Organization for Online Vloggers is considering nominations for its annual OOVy awards, and I’m sure I’ll sweep every category. Draculo is my shoe-in for best dramatic series, best costume design, and best use of special effects, while my variety show (as hosted by my talk show persona, Lily Flowers) will secure the musical and best new series and video of the year.
My successes will only continue in the future, and I feel it won’t be long before I spread to other media. I’ve drafted several manuscripts for full-length feature movies, and I’ve got enough footage to expose the real planners behind 9/11. I could release it right now, but I want to conquer online film first. Once I’ve got a few Academy Awards under my belt, I’ll release my solo album, Portraits of a Teenage Everybody, and launch my TV series, The Bloody Adventures of Draculo and Dracula. I had an internal dilemma as I breezed through the first two seasons of my show, because I consider television a base form of entertainment, and far too “for the masses” for my taste, but the money will be good, and it’ll pay for my third house on Venice Beach. I’ve got a few properties flagged on my browser, and I think they’ll be affordable within the next two years. I’ve got an in with the bank, and am expecting my loan to arrive any week now. Once I get my start, I’ll probably abandon this series, and let it fester with the rest of the trash I see vlogging their hearts out. I’ve transcended regular old personal expression, and have moved into art for pure artistic meaning. My message will reach only the most worthy of viewers – or listeners – and they will instantly understand every nuance of communication I can code into my work. So leave a comment, if you dare, and pray that I see your name and find it worth mentioning in my first acceptance speech.
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